I've used this blog to document the journey into becoming a teacher. Hence, the title of this blog, I guess.
Fact is, I am going through many personal struggles. In the past, writing that sentence would make me cry, but right now I'm feeling so defeated that I can't even muster that. I'm disappointing myself so much with school. Work? I'm feeling great at. The only thing I need to worry about right now with that getting food donations and the turkeys all set up for local families.
But it's because of work that I feel the old acquaintance darkness creeping in. I want to be down with school so bad, but I get so scared. This darkness makes appearances - making it so I can't get out of bed in the morning. Making myself feel so much guilt for not getting out a bed. And in turn, making me crippled with anxiety of the possibility of trying to explain myself of why I'm not around.
I'm sucking at school right now. There are days, I can't get myself out of bed. I DO make the effort to come in outside of class time and try to make up hours that way, but I'm missing out on things...
I used to take anti-depressants to calm myself. I was the definition of anxiety ridden. I couldn't focus, the world terrified me and everyday, I would feel this heaviness sitting on my chest and clutching my throat. Sometimes, to the point where I felt I couldn't breathe, but I had to keep trucking through it. Got to be amazing, after all.
And those feelings are happening again. Days, where I can't do anything except stay under the covers and look at my computer. Days where I get up to go to work, but at work it feels like someone is clutching my heart and taking oxygen out of the air. The other night, I was hanging with my boyfriend, and I wasn't me. I could feel that. I was someone else and in turn, I had this overwhelming terrifying feeling that I didn't know who this person next to me was. This person I have loved for over a year and has become my best friend. I can't focus. To-do lists help me, but that's if I can get myself going.
My cat just came over and crawled into my lap. Keep in mind she is not a very warm creature.
So that's what I'm going through. And I'm terrified that I can't keep this up. One part of me wonders if I could just quit my job right now, see if I can get credits to be full time and then hope that Financial Aid could offer me more money. But I just don't know right now....I'm so tired. I need to be done here.
