A Year Later

Wow, I did not realize I hadn't logged on in almost year.  I could have sworn that I did at some point, but maybe I didn't get around to actually posting something.

What I'm doing with my life currently is my final practicum placement before student teaching!  It's been crazy and a great learning experience.  The kiddos love me from what I can tell. :)  Today I had these lovely kindergarten girls insist on sitting next to me on the floor and they kept scooting closer and closer.  It was absolutely adorable.  Whenever I see the kids in the hall I usually hear, "Hi Ms. Niemi!  Are you in our class today?!"  I'm kind of sad that my school schedule doesn't allow for me to be there every day!

My cat just had to crawl into my lap right now.  LOL.

Right now I'm doing my edTPA for the class.  Kind of a challenge getting everything ready.  I haven't done education classes in about a year, and I could tell that I lost some knowledge when I had first arrived at the placement.  It's a lot better now.  I feel much more confident in my ability. 

Today was a learning moment though.  I messed up.  I'll admit it.  Luckily, it wasn't as worse as it could have been and that's what makes me sick to my stomach.  See, a lot of schools have a certain way you should handle kids that are getting belligerent or are becoming unsafe - to themselves and others.  I know this.  I do.  The big thing - you don't touch them.  Well, in the kindergarten class today this little boy grabbed the exercise ball, put it on top of the chair and proceeded to start climbing on top of it.  Accident waiting to happen, right?

I told him to get down.  I gave him at least two warnings, and then he was on the top wobbling and in that moment all I could see was him falling and cracking his head open.  The teacher was across the room telling him to get down and there he was rocking back and forth getting closer and closer to falling.

So I did what I thought was right.  I went to pick him up.  And I had to put him back down on the wobbly ball.  Because if - as a teacher - you hurt the child in the process of protecting them from hurting themselves you get fucked.  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.  I mean, I understand why the schools have gotten to this point.  Obviously, a child was hurt somehow in the process of being saved from hurting themselves worse, parents go upset and sued the school.  What kind of a shitty world is this?  Where parents are so unthankful that you saved little Johnny from breaking his arm that the small amount of hurt they received from being saved is grounds for suing?

And I want to know just how far this goes.  If a student is running with scissors, you tell them to stop and they trip and fall on the blades and get MAJORLY hurt.....because you told them to stop that somehow makes you not legally responsible?  Just saying, but I don't think it's that easy.  What about when a student ends up dead from a crazy accident?  Like jumping from one climbing rope to the other?  You tell them to stop, they don't and fall 20 feet on their head.  This whole situation makes me so angry.

Personal Struggles

I've used this blog to document the journey into becoming a teacher.  Hence, the title of this blog, I guess.

Fact is, I am going through many personal struggles.  In the past, writing that sentence would make me cry, but right now I'm feeling so defeated that I can't even muster that.  I'm disappointing myself so much with school.  Work?  I'm feeling great at.  The only thing I need to worry about right now with that getting food donations and the turkeys all set up for local families.

But it's because of work that I feel the old acquaintance darkness creeping in.  I want to be down with school so bad, but I get so scared.  This darkness makes appearances - making it so I can't get out of bed in the morning.  Making myself feel so much guilt for not getting out a bed.  And in turn, making me crippled with anxiety of the possibility of trying to explain myself of why I'm not around.

I'm sucking at school right now.  There are days, I can't get myself out of bed.  I DO make the effort to come in outside of class time and try to make up hours that way, but I'm missing out on things...

I used to take anti-depressants to calm myself.  I was the definition of anxiety ridden.  I couldn't focus, the world terrified me and everyday, I would feel this heaviness sitting on my chest and clutching my throat.  Sometimes, to the point where I felt I couldn't breathe, but I had to keep trucking through it.  Got to be amazing, after all.

And those feelings are happening again.  Days, where I can't do anything except stay under the covers and look at my computer.  Days where I get up to go to work, but at work it feels like someone is clutching my heart and taking oxygen out of the air.  The other night, I was hanging with my boyfriend, and I wasn't me.  I could feel that.  I was someone else and in turn, I had this overwhelming terrifying feeling that I didn't know who this person next to me was.  This person I have loved for over a year and has become my best friend.  I can't focus.  To-do lists help me, but that's if I can get myself going.

My cat just came over and crawled into my lap.  Keep in mind she is not a very warm creature.

So that's what I'm going through.  And I'm terrified that I can't keep this up.  One part of me wonders if I could just quit my job right now, see if I can get credits to be full time and then hope that Financial Aid could offer me more money.  But I just don't know right now....I'm so tired.  I need to be done here.