Personal Struggles

I've used this blog to document the journey into becoming a teacher.  Hence, the title of this blog, I guess.

Fact is, I am going through many personal struggles.  In the past, writing that sentence would make me cry, but right now I'm feeling so defeated that I can't even muster that.  I'm disappointing myself so much with school.  Work?  I'm feeling great at.  The only thing I need to worry about right now with that getting food donations and the turkeys all set up for local families.

But it's because of work that I feel the old acquaintance darkness creeping in.  I want to be down with school so bad, but I get so scared.  This darkness makes appearances - making it so I can't get out of bed in the morning.  Making myself feel so much guilt for not getting out a bed.  And in turn, making me crippled with anxiety of the possibility of trying to explain myself of why I'm not around.

I'm sucking at school right now.  There are days, I can't get myself out of bed.  I DO make the effort to come in outside of class time and try to make up hours that way, but I'm missing out on things...

I used to take anti-depressants to calm myself.  I was the definition of anxiety ridden.  I couldn't focus, the world terrified me and everyday, I would feel this heaviness sitting on my chest and clutching my throat.  Sometimes, to the point where I felt I couldn't breathe, but I had to keep trucking through it.  Got to be amazing, after all.

And those feelings are happening again.  Days, where I can't do anything except stay under the covers and look at my computer.  Days where I get up to go to work, but at work it feels like someone is clutching my heart and taking oxygen out of the air.  The other night, I was hanging with my boyfriend, and I wasn't me.  I could feel that.  I was someone else and in turn, I had this overwhelming terrifying feeling that I didn't know who this person next to me was.  This person I have loved for over a year and has become my best friend.  I can't focus.  To-do lists help me, but that's if I can get myself going.

My cat just came over and crawled into my lap.  Keep in mind she is not a very warm creature.

So that's what I'm going through.  And I'm terrified that I can't keep this up.  One part of me wonders if I could just quit my job right now, see if I can get credits to be full time and then hope that Financial Aid could offer me more money.  But I just don't know right now....I'm so tired.  I need to be done here.