Personal Struggles

I've used this blog to document the journey into becoming a teacher.  Hence, the title of this blog, I guess.

Fact is, I am going through many personal struggles.  In the past, writing that sentence would make me cry, but right now I'm feeling so defeated that I can't even muster that.  I'm disappointing myself so much with school.  Work?  I'm feeling great at.  The only thing I need to worry about right now with that getting food donations and the turkeys all set up for local families.

But it's because of work that I feel the old acquaintance darkness creeping in.  I want to be down with school so bad, but I get so scared.  This darkness makes appearances - making it so I can't get out of bed in the morning.  Making myself feel so much guilt for not getting out a bed.  And in turn, making me crippled with anxiety of the possibility of trying to explain myself of why I'm not around.

I'm sucking at school right now.  There are days, I can't get myself out of bed.  I DO make the effort to come in outside of class time and try to make up hours that way, but I'm missing out on things...

I used to take anti-depressants to calm myself.  I was the definition of anxiety ridden.  I couldn't focus, the world terrified me and everyday, I would feel this heaviness sitting on my chest and clutching my throat.  Sometimes, to the point where I felt I couldn't breathe, but I had to keep trucking through it.  Got to be amazing, after all.

And those feelings are happening again.  Days, where I can't do anything except stay under the covers and look at my computer.  Days where I get up to go to work, but at work it feels like someone is clutching my heart and taking oxygen out of the air.  The other night, I was hanging with my boyfriend, and I wasn't me.  I could feel that.  I was someone else and in turn, I had this overwhelming terrifying feeling that I didn't know who this person next to me was.  This person I have loved for over a year and has become my best friend.  I can't focus.  To-do lists help me, but that's if I can get myself going.

My cat just came over and crawled into my lap.  Keep in mind she is not a very warm creature.

So that's what I'm going through.  And I'm terrified that I can't keep this up.  One part of me wonders if I could just quit my job right now, see if I can get credits to be full time and then hope that Financial Aid could offer me more money.  But I just don't know right now....I'm so tired.  I need to be done here.

Work Now, Work Later

So my practicum experience has been a bit of a slow starter.  My cooperating teacher's kids have been sick the last week, and so he wasn't able to make it in to school.  Because of such, I missed out on two days - or six hours - of my experience.  Little disappointing and now there are some other factors I'm worried about.

Those factors.  Well, I mean, it's not too many.  It's more factors that are concerning me about how I'm going to make my hours for ARTED208.  The full-time manager at my store is going to be putting in her resignation next week.  This lady is amazing as a co-worker and as a friend, and I'm going to miss her dearly.  Where my stress comes in is that she and I had it figured out - my schedule - for my practicum experience all in advance so I wouldn't need to worry about what days I'd have off from work; I'd have it all planned out.

Well, since she's leaving now, and before my hours are filled, I'm concerned my Regional Manager is not going to be able to respect the days I needed, and instead tell me that as the part-time manager, I need to suck it up and take my "manager responsibility" and fill in Michelle's position.  

I'm ready for a talk with her though.  This class is the priority, not work.  That's a little hard for me because work IS how I pay for everything while I'm here at college.  I have an apartment I have to pay for, insurance that needs coverage, WiFi to attend to so I can do homework not on campus, and so while this current job is important, ultimately my FUTURE job is important.  The job where I'm going to be impacting children's lives till I'm sixty or even seventy.  (Yes, that would be so cool to teach art that long).

This will be difficult.  Heck yes, on so many levels.  But, I guess if an agreement cannot be found, I'll need to perhaps leave a current job that I enjoy over any of my past jobs, for the opportunity to make sure I'm 100% prepared for my future job.